A Writer Living with an Eating Disorder Writes A Letter to Mindy Kaling
Dear Mindy,
Hi! I’m Joey and I’m a queer, white, cisgender male who really admires you. I have watched most, if not all, of the content you have had a hand in creating, writing, producing, and/or starring in, and I must say, your style of humor is totally my thing!
I have watched you with great awe and admiration. You are an amazing writer and an IMPECCABLE dresser. Your wardrobe makes me almost faint from all of the soul-level glee I feel while watching you on the screen. The characters you create and embody are funny, over-the-top, and yet, still tangible, relatable figures that are mirror images of ourselves.
You are quite damn good at what you do, and I am grateful for the ways in which you have inspired me to be a better writer and, let’s be honest, a better dresser and connoisseur of classic rom-coms!
I am writing to you today, not just to kiss your ass, but to confront you and your creative team on a topic that has caused harm in my personal life. It has to do with the “mirror image” line from above. You see, I may be an accomplished professional in my field, happily married, and loving my vocation. I may be a cisgender male, but, I live with an eating disorder (ED) — bulimia nervosa, to be exact, and, all of the living hell that goes along with it.
When I was officially diagnosed with an ED, it altered my life in profound ways I never thought possible. It was excruciating for me, a professional pastor and clinical spiritual counselor working in the addiction recovery field, to admit to myself and to my closest loved ones that I had an eating disorder. I even hid it for a long time because I was ashamed and terrified out of my mind.
I am ultimately grateful, I think, that I was diagnosed. Once I knew I had the problem I suspected I had, I could qualify for treatment. Treatment saved my life. The counselors, dietitians, and peers in treatment at The Emily Program are incredible human beings and I owe them my life, literally.
You are probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this, Ms. Kaling. I’m telling you this because I trusted you, of all people, to protect me and all people who live with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and body image distress.
I need to be clear here: It is not your job to save or protect me, obviously. As you know, the most vulnerable among us need protecting by those of us with the power to do so. Suicide rates among people living with eating disorders are very high. An average of one out of every three people living with an ED will die by suicide. Roughly ten million women live with an ED and roughly one million men live with an ED. As a person who identifies as male, I am a rarity in the world of ED’s, but I have experienced horrifying suicidal ideation and intent while in treatment. It is a living hell.
When I started watching The Mindy Project, I felt safe. You have a reputation, Ms. Kaling, as a woman who looks out for women, as a leader who defies body shaming and helps mock the establishments that shame women, people of color, LGBTQ+ folks, the differently abled, and people who are insecure in their own bodies.
My spouse and I have enjoyed and loved countless episodes of your flagship series, The Mindy Project. In many ways, your show is the embodiment of every good gift you have offered the world, packaged in hilarious wit, wisdom, and amazing outfits! However, there are a handful of episodes in the second season that have, sadly, caused me and many others in the ED recovery community great pain.
In Season 2 of The Mindy Project, the character of Dr. Jeremy Reed (Ed Weeks) noticeably gains some weight in his belly area. He is a character praised for his good looks and his generally attractive appearance in the first season. In fact, your character, Dr. Mindy Lahiri has an intimate relationship with Jeremy. Many comments are made about him throughout the season, from cisgender women, who find his classically handsome looks appealing.
A character arc begins involving Jeremy’s wrestling with weight gain and with “food addiction.” His father appears in an episode and begins to make commentary to Jeremy that serves to humiliate him in front of his colleagues. Jeremy’s weight gain is barely noticeable, and yet, he is a target of constant joking and ridicule.
Jeremy does what most of us who struggle with body image distress do, he becomes desperate to “get back” to the size he used to be. In the Season 2 Christmas episode, he tells his friends that he went to some kind of treatment and has emerged having returned to the size he was in Season 1. His colleagues make a big deal out of this. It is, in fact, announced with glee by one of the characters as she opens his office door and finds him looking thin and conventionally “sexy” again.
The first episode in Season 2 in which we discover Jeremy’s weight gain, I thought to myself, “This is just a blip on the radar. Mindy probably had nothing to do with the writing of this episode! She wouldn’t make room for body shaming on her show!”
Then, it happened again. It became its own subplot in another episode. Now, I was feeling deeply uncomfortable and feeling pretty triggered to engage in symptom use behaviors related to my bulimia. I felt some feelings of anger and frustration and my spouse and I had an exchange in which we both honestly shared our experience of the “Jeremy gains weight” story arc. I decided I would continue to give you and your creative team, Ms. Kaling, the benefit of the doubt.
When my spouse and I watched the Season 2 Christmas episode on Hulu, and there was an entire subplot devoted to Jeremy fighting “food addiction” at a holiday party with the help of Peter (Adam Pally), I felt a surge of anger rising up deep within myself. It is worse than anger, honestly. It felt like a serious betrayal by someone I believed, and still want to believe, was an ally to those of us who struggle with living in our own bodies.
Here’s what the Jeremy Reed story arc in Season 2 told me about The Mindy Project:
- The protagonists in the series believe that people are only valuable and worthy of admiration if they are physically attractive according to cultural standards of beauty. Mindy Lahiri fights these contrived and shallow cultural standards every day and yet, the person who plays her signed off on a story arc that ridicules and mocks a man’s insecurity around eating and weight gain.
- Jeremy Reed reveals that he is a “food addict” and eating food is now the source of his suffering. In eating disorder treatment, we have to start redefining our relationship to food. Instead of judging food as “good food” or “bad food,” we engage in skills we have learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), like non-judgment. Food is just food. It is necessary for sustenance. It is not good or bad. Food is our gift. Jeremy believes he needs to avoid certain foods and give in to the narratives that he has been force fed by his family, the culture, and his own friends and colleagues. He does this in order to lose weight so he can finally get the approval that he believes he needs.
The saddest part of all of this is Jeremy does not believe he has inherent value without appearing a certain way. That may be the greatest crime The Mindy Project commits against the character of Jeremy Reed and, more importantly, against me and all of my brothers, sisters, and non-binary companions fighting our eating disorders together. Whether shaming was intended, or not, is immaterial in this case. Watching the story arc for Dr. Jeremy Reed in Season 2 made me feel helpless, vulnerable, shamed, and triggered. My anxiety levels went through the roof. I could not sleep. I seriously considered engaging in bingeing and purging, which I haven’t done since I began treatment. I also thought seriously about self harm, at the time.
This may sound overly dramatic, but, for someone living with an ED, these symptoms are quite common. The ED voice in my head LOVES Jeremy’s story arc, and insists on telling me, “That guy on the screen? That’s you, Joey. See? His friends disconnect from him and ridicule him when he gains weight. They only really value him when he is thinner. You have started to gain weight since you went to treatment, haven’t you, Joey? You know what you need to do. If you don’t do it, you might as well be dead.”
I write this letter to you, Ms. Kaling, because I trust you to do the right thing. Many of us suffer in silence and the men facing eating disorders, like me, often don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I am ending that cycle today. If I thought you were a far gone person, bent on evil, much like our current POTUS, then I would have never taken the time to write this letter to you. It would be a waste of my time and yours, wouldn’t it? I think you are SO. COOL. and I greatly value your voice and work in the world!
As you move forward in your creative career, will you please consider making some amendments to the ways in which you provide care for vulnerable people living with eating disorders and struggling with body image distress? If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t ask. I am appealing to your sense of care, compassion, and integrity. Please make some changes.
Having written all of this, I am keenly aware of the fact that you may have faced an eating disorder of your own that I am unaware of. I apologize if this letter is insensitive to that.
Thank you, truly, Ms. Kaling, for reading this letter and for caring about my voice and the voices of many who suffer. We are working hard to reclaim our lives and we want your help!
Mindy, you’re a goddess! Thank you, again!
Sincerely,
Rev. Josiah “Joey” Armstrong, MDiv.
